Since I posted over on my other blog, I feel somewhat obligated to post here, but I also don't want to go too long between posts, so I'm going to ramble a bit. Can you tell I'm distracted? I get that way a lot. Okay, maybe its more often than not I'm distracted.
In my other post, I added a picture of coffee which I took 2 days ago and I happen to really like and was excited to share. I've been drinking it more lately, and I actually didn't start drinking it at all until a bit more than a year ago, but its been more regular the last couple of months. I have one of those 4-5 cup machines, which ends up being two mugs worth of coffee. I don't want to go too overboard with having it, and I am the only one in the house that drinks it, so I don't feel bad about it. What I have noticed, and feel free to chime in if you agree or disagree, is that it seems to work as an antidepressant as well. I'm currently between antidepressants because I thought the Zoloft was the reason for my god-awful tinnitus (a conclusion based on circumstantial evidence, but it was still a shot worth taking). So I'm off that, and while it didn't help my mood tremendously, it apparently had a stabilizing effect that I hadn't really noticed until recently. But my point is that I've felt more awake and energized with a mug (or two) of coffee having it regularly than I've felt in ages, and I never had that effect with an antidepressant. Maybe I just have not had the right medication, maybe its not really depression but something else, I don't know, but given how the coffee seems to help more than hurt, I'm not willing to give it up any time soon. Plus, it seems to help me feel full stomach-wise, so I'm less likely to snack and I don't seem to eat as much, which for anyone who knows me is pretty much an epic thing given how much of a fatty I am and how much I LOVE to eat because I simply like food.
Its kind of a bad thing being more on the intelligent spectrum and having depression, or maybe its being educated about depression. I see what could be symptoms of depression, what things can influence it. Or maybe its because I'm overly analytical at times so I'm over-analyzing everything I think that can play a role in it, and seeing as how I've had it for roughly half my life now, I'm not sure any more which things are depression-related and which things aren't. I've become much more of an in-the-moment person of late, too, though maybe that's because of it, I don't know. Sort of becoming unapologetic for liking things as well, and that could be a good thing. I've always (it seemed) questioned everything, felt guilty for liking or not liking something. There's this huge part of me, may be part of my personality or may be the depression, that seeks the approval of those I love and interact with in that its okay to like this or that or to feel a certain way or think a certain way. For instance, that its okay to like scrapbooking, certain kinds of movies, puzzles, reading, or even particular types of food. I'm trying to think less about whether or not I *should* eat something for food, whether or not I should eat more veggies with dinner, and focus more on the enjoyment factor from whatever has been presented (or I've made) for dinner. Just simply enjoying things and being okay with it and pushing other thoughts about it to the back of my mind. Last night, for instance, we didn't have much in the way of veggies because they've been used (yay for that), but there was also the needed third item to go with the marinated chicken and noodles. I eventually said screw it for the veggie and opened up a can of fruit instead. It was fruit packed in juice, not syrup, and it was peaches. There are fresh pears, apples, and bananas in our hanging fruit basket, and we had already had some earlier in the day with lunch. See, maybe all that detail and justification is part of the whole issue. Maybe I think TOO much about some things because I keep going over it and rethinking it. The end result was that everyone ate their dinner and the only leftovers were noodles and some chicken, so perhaps that should be what I take from it. We haven't gone to the store this week yet, so perhaps once we do we'll have another salad available. Kind of hard to make one when have a cucumber, a bit of celery and some carrots. We may not have the healthiest of meals all the time, and I'm aware that types of food ingested can play a role in depression, but we make do with what we can I guess. I tend to leave the veggies and fruit alone because I feel guilty if I finish them off (I have a tendency, if you can't tell already) to maybe not binging, but perhaps not stopping when I should. But if its fruit and veggies I'm doing that with, shouldn't that be okay? At least its that instead of chips, crackers, cookies, or candy? Lots of c-words there.
And this is where my overly analytical thing come back into play. I can go on like this for hours. I think I got off topic, not that I really had one to begin with. I feel a bit more energized, fidgety, and distractable than usual, but I am on my third mug of coffee. Didn't think I'd make it the rest of the night all that well without it. I take it as a good thing because I'm usually so, well, not as bright mood wise. Stuck between do I take care of some laundry that I should do that I haven't put away the clean stuff in about a week, or do I instead focus efforts on work, which is sorely needed because my line count this week sucks something awful. I have my normal therapy on Monday and then I have my psychiatrist (medication prescriber) right after, and I do believe I'm going to go back on something. Whether it be re-trying the Zoloft or trying something else I don't know. I don't know if the latest "dip" (Monday, actually, and not sure what else to call it) was the last of the medication leaving my system or if it simply was because I hadn't been on anything to keep me stable. This is that education thing coming back around again. I know enough to be dangerous, but too much to follow blindly down whatever path I might be led. Guess its time to get back to work, earn a paycheck, that kind of stuff. If you made it through, well, I hope this made sense, and thank you for listening.
No comments:
Post a Comment