I've been feeling lately that I should be writing something, I just don't know what to write. There are so many things on my mind (I think), but it's all jumbled and not all that coherent.
I'm doing the Scholastic Summer Reaching Challenge with the boys, and I decided to make a book list for myself so they would see I had one, too. I think I put 40 books on there, 20 physical and 20 on my Kindle, all of which I already had. I mostly did it so I could show the boys that I'm reading what's on my list as well. I've completed two books so far.
I've been looking more seriously at Buddhism lately. The god question has been stewing in my brain for a while, and one day it just seemed to hit me that having one singular entity watching over everything and supposedly having a plan for everything is just too simple; it's too neat, and for me it doesn't really adequately cover things. I believe that we are all connected, and I believe that Mother Nature knows far more than modern living and modern science give her credit for. Our biggest downfall as a species is thinking we know better than Mother Nature and that we can do better than her, but the reality is that we just haven't seen all the nuances yet. Nothing evolved in nature that wasn't needed; everything evolved to fill a niche. Also, hate is a very energy-consuming thing to keep up. So much of what I see about Christianity involves hate, either from them or directed at them. I haven't felt like I belonged in a church since I was an early teen. I remember it clearly because the more I went the clearer the discomfort became. I recognize that Church and God are important to my parents. Mom seems to think it a personal failure of her raising me if I don't believe in God, and I don't believe that to be the case at all. While she is a Christian, she is also a science-based person and that is what I believe in more than anything else, really (the science aspect). Buddhism has my attention and interest currently because it's more a philosophy than a religion, and there is no god question; it's just not addressed. It's also about peace and being present with reality as it's happening. Also, I don't see prayer to god as doing anything. I recognized it some time ago, though didn't have the words for it, that it is really a sort of meditation. God doesn't give you the answers to your prayers, your own brain does.
So anyway, I picked up some free books for my Kindle about Buddhism and Buddha, and I found a podcast about Buddhism so I could at least listen to something about it. I looked for any temples associated with Buddhism here in Maine, but the only one near me is Celtic Buddhism and it just was not what I was looking for. If I want to go to one, I'll have to head down to Portland. Ugh. For now, I listen to the podcast while I'm in the shower (it's a 5-minute podcast, so it's not hugely long) and it gives me something to think about while I'm in there, helps me set up for the day. I'm taking it slow and at this point I'm just learning about it, reading about it, seeing how much I can reasonably do, and going from there. I'm hoping once I am able to get in some meditation and begin practicing it as I gain more knowledge and experience with it, that it will ultimately help me more with focus and prioritizing my tasks and my day. For me personally, I have to have a plan of attack to go from one thing to the next because otherwise I'll get too distracted and just get confused, at which point it all gets dropped. Stupid depression. I've been letting things get me so stressed out lately, and I know it affects everyone around me negatively. This is the major draw of the Buddha, though. Clearly whatever I've been (not) doing isn't working, so I need to think of things differently. I need a new perspective and I'm tired of keeping up pretenses, they're just too exhausting. The only person I can change is me. Buddhism doesn't ask you to go out and convert people. It recognizes that there is suffering (one of the Four Noble Truths) and it has an actual way to help (the Eight-Fold Noble Path). I am suffering, and I'm making others suffer. I need to stop thinking about what-ifs (stupid anxiety) and be present, here now, and aware of life. At some point I'll probably put a shrine up if I keep this going. It'll have to be in a different house, though, because the area is supposed to be undisturbed - not possible in our tiny house with two rambunctious boys who feel they absolutely must touch everything. I do have some incense, and we have candles, so I can at least do that. I'm thinking I should either get or make a mala prayer bead thing for when I start to do the mantras.
Well, it's past 2 a.m. I think I've said what I need to say for now. And if I still have more to add, well there's always another day. I need to get some shut-eye in before the kids wake up and we start to pick up the house.
As Jay Forrest ends his podcasts, "until next time, may the Buddha's wisdom enlighten your path."
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